Unwanted Dependency…

It’s strange that, at every point in your life, you find that no matter how independent you feel, or how sure you are of things, you can just never tell.

Things are going well at the moment, really well to be more precise and yet I find myself at the behest of things far out of my control which could quite easily turn everything on its head.

I have various irons in fires these days; I’m working hard on family life, trying to be the man I know I should be and the husband/father I always wanted to be, I’m busy at work preparing for yet another extended period away from home (while trying to maximise the time at home in the process) and I’m really beginning to believe that the band are going to achieve something (not quite sure what yet) this year… Oh! And I’ve stopped smoking and returned to the gym!

2009 went well in hindsight, Nicole got into college, Beth got into the school we wanted,  Rose got a great 2/1 in her honours degree, I got to move back to the job I wanted in the first place and I got to rekindle my love of music. Well, perhaps rekindle is putting it mildly, a #2 single is quite an achievement in anyone’s book I would have thought?

And yet I’m painfully aware that all these things are hanging by gossamer thin threads over which I have no control, and there’s someone much higher up than me playing with scissors!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not pessimistic. Quite the opposite. I’m looking forward to the challenges of this year and trying to fit all the pieces of my life together in some grand picture. It’s just that I’m just not happy that so much of it is being held over me like some kind of threat?

Watching the premiere episode of the new Heroes season tonight I had to laugh at the scene with Nathan/Sylar and his Mother where she advised him he was going through a mid life crisis.. and then I thought “Is this what it feels like?”.

To put that remark in context you’ll need to be aware that I turn 40 in the not too distant future and have, over the last year to 18 months, been reliving dreams of my youth and trying to get myself back to the person I remember myself as almost 20 years ago. Why? I honestly couldn’t tell you, it’s not that I’m unhappy with who I am. Neither is it that I want that person back. I really can’t explain it, and think that reading too much into will probably make it worse.

One thing I think I have become aware of is that, no matter how in control you feel, you aren’t.

At work I’m dependent on those above me approving of my work and recommending me for progression (and the rules changing to allow me to do just that), I also need the opportunities to prove that I’m worthy of that approval/recommendation, at home I’m dependent on the status quo being maintained long enough for me to prove that I can still be that person, I also need to rock the boat a little to ensure that things don’t go stale while not upsetting things so much that it all backfires, and as far as the band goes? That’s the easiest to bear/understand but also the one where there is the most dependency. We need money to achieve our aims, we need to achieve our aims (at some level) to get the money, we need fans to spread the word, we need to spread the word to get fans… and so it goes on.

I guess I’ll just have to take one day at a time, just like the non smoking… Bring it on!




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